major depressive disorder symptom #1

i wish i could dig out my brain, or just erase my being in this world.

everything i've done up to now seems insignificant and childish, unreasonable for my age and life experiences at the very least.

it's not like i want to kill myself or anything. it's more like i'm regretting everything i've done, and most of the relationships i've made over the years.

i've heard that some people have experienced worse yet still overcame their hurdles and even succeeded socially to a certain extent. i could try like them, but the timing seems all wrong and there are too many things to undo which i cannot bring myself to confess totally to the family nor the closest of friends.

i repeat, this is not a will and i am not going to kill myself.

maybe someday if i get a leeetle bit famous i might try to write an autobio and look back on this part of my life. this part as a failing underachiever at university in a foreign country that i would not have had to go to if i had thought through more to study a degree that i had no idea of to begin with therefore had zero interest in.

i tend to victimise myself in my head. it's like every laugh on the street is in reply to some ridiculous joke or a comment about me. all the glancing on the streets from strangers walking my way feels like they are pitying or disgusted with me. all the old disgusting bald fat men look like they want to perve me at the bus stop. all the potential employers seem to look disgusted or annoyed with my resume and my fat immense being filling up their scope of vision and what space there is in their measly shops. all those acquaintances i've met at uni must have bitched about me at some point, dismissed me as a confused little wannabe-chinese pig and went on with their more important lives. (which is not surprising, but who IS important in this world anyway?)

where is all this absurd insecurity from, the counsellor might ask in the future. well to be frank, i suspect your sincerity too.

i don't know whether i've actually been victimised by anyone, but that might just be my inner stick-thin golden fair skinned asian prima donna being defiant and protective of my real outer shell of blubber. in truth anyone who's paid some attention to me throughout school would know that i've had some porcine descriptions thrown at me from almost equally pork-like spoilt children. i might have really had trauma from being forced to lick a cousin's "candy" even before i knew how to read or write korean. i might really have had some shock after some teacher exploded that she wanted to strangle me, even as a passing "comment" on my tardiness. i remember having red welts on my butt and great big bruises over my body even as a kid just in primary school, but which asian parent will pass out on the almost ritual-like bashing on every new generation? (if not, i dare say you're a bit more spoilt than the rest of us Y-gen kids. somewhere.)

no i am not dumping "responsibilities" for my current mental state on others. i'm just listing what could have led me to this self-centered victimising thinking.
let me continue brooding somewhere dark, and maybe i will go back to slashing my wrists like i did back in sec2.

actually, i thought i did better in highschool. i don't know.